Tag Archives: pain

Life Without Conditions: Motherless Mothering

There are stories we yell out to the world with a megaphone, stories we tell only in the dark, and other stories we keep buried under the rubble in our thick skin, the skin thickening with time, loss, disappointment, and hurt.

Recently my mini me, a proud and soulful preteen, had the chance to scratch the surface and get a pinhole view of her mom as a child. She had 3 full days with my adoptive brother, whose stories of our time together in foster care, she never heard. I watched her face light up and dim all weekend. Some were stories of hope, others of fear and mayhem. This weekend was my daughter’s first real lessons about her mother’s personal past. With so much unknown history from my side of her family at all, this was her chance to scribble the first few pages of her own history book as well.

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Me and my girl.

I’ve been very skillful in my disclosures to her. The stories in between the basic timelines, I usually gloss over. My daughter knows a lot about children in foster care, but I am often impersonal about my experiences because they are part of her also and I want her to be nothing but proud of her background. There are a lot of things to not be proud of in my history, but I never wanted her to see the blemishes. As she’s gotten older I feel uncomfortable with some of her questions. They are no longer shallow and easily answered. I write academically about transitioning foster children at universities and about strong mothers in literature. But, often talking about my own vulnerabilities is not easy for me. 

Continue reading Life Without Conditions: Motherless Mothering

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Dreams within Dreams: Daily Prompt

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http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/daily-prompt-tainted-love/

” In love, we need to learn to let go.. holding on comes naturally.” One of my favorite writers spent his life trying to answer our questions. We have all heard the saying, if you love it..
Let it go. I never understood it until recently. We all are forced at times to give up and let go of our dreams.

I’ve always been a big dreamer– idealizing and fantasizing about the person or place that can set my heart free. I stumbled upon the closest I’ve gotten to that “place.” I found an inner peace in myself which enabled me to truly give myself. And my dream came crashing in…

It was a passionate, strong but dark vision that brought me a solace I’ve not found in anything else. The puzzle piece, the frightening vulnerability–
The hands in the dark. The vision.

But this dream was in and out of my life. And so when it got close again and walked back in.. my heart’s fear was that one wrong move– and it would be lost again…

I dived in anyway..clinging to this soul tugging experience, it was always dangling off a cliff. As much as I found satisfaction and bliss– you know the kind..the.. I’d go anywhere, do anything, say anything, to keep this near me kind of feeling… I could always sense a deep unhappiness in the other soul.

It was always painful to see my dream be realized, to have that arm around me, to feel his familiar smell, to feel safe again. Because a storm was always present. One slight.. And it would vanish.

You cannot hold onto a dream that already wants to go. And while the image of the family or love I’ve lost again will be a tough one to face for a long time… Especially for someone with no family and no stable rock like myself.. I know also I was not healing his ghosts. As much as it helped heal mine..and indeed gave me a few more.

I think if you find the puzzle piece.. And I was lucky enough to find it..You watch it walk away hoping that solace will be his someday. You hope that his heart is happier free.

And you try not to remember that dream, the mornings, the nights, the beds, the floors, the laughing, the crying, the jealousies, the life it brought. Even if you know that feeling in your heart, the peace and the fire will never come back again.

“Slipped” Tanka Poetry Form

The listless puncture,charmer
Forevers submerged in touch.
Words drenched in night’s vow;
Succumb to the forgetting .
Dispensed now to a new face.

—P

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